In the beginning

I was watching the movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith and Brad Pitt's character said something interesting when they got to the nitty gritty of fighting and wanting a divorce. He said "I guess in the end, you start thinking about the beginning".

Interesting.

That hit a chord. Made me think. Its been over for more than a year and a half (if you count from when Jeremy left in September of 2005), but I think, looking back, it was over long before that.

And that got me thinking to when we met. And the warning signs that I should have seen. But, as the cliché goes, hindsight is 20/20.

When we first met, Jeremy was charming. Funny. All the things a girl could be initially attracted to. We got along really well. But then, very shortly after we started dating, his short temper started rearing its ugly head.

One of the first incidents that really sticks out in my mind was one afternoon when his roommate caused a misunderstanding between us. His roommate told me that Jeremy was upset with me....but I had no idea why and neither did he. I tried to diffuse the situation by communicating and being straight-forward with Jeremy. I came right out and asked what was wrong only to be told nothing. When I pressed again (and again), he snapped and finally refused to speak to me. We were at the Magic Kingdom with his roommate and he just left me alone. Walked off alone. With his roommate behind him. What I should have done is nipped the relationship in the bud and went my own way - both that day and forever. But I didn't. I stuck around and tried to see if he'd come around. He didn't - not right away. I can't remember how it ended - but I'm sure he called me and told me it was all a misunderstanding and that everything was ok now. And I guess that made it all better. Like that entire afternoon wasn't ruined. WHAT?

Looking back, I wish I'd have just said goodbye and meant it. I wish I would've been strong enough to call him for what he was - an immature bastard - and ended things. Or, at the very least, I wish I'd had it out with him right then and there and told him he was being an idiot and I wish I'd have forced him to give me an explanation for his abusive actions.

But I didn't. He gave me attention that I wanted and made me feel like he wanted to be around me. I was lonely and I guess he filled that loneliness. Only it turns out it wasn't the way I should have had it filled.

Instead, it was just the first in MANY abusive events yet to come in the following years. And I've learned that saying I wish and wishing I could go back and change things (or even saying if I knew I'd have done it differently) is about as helpful as chewing gum to solve an algebra problem. It doesn't help. So I need to come to grips with my bad choices in life and I think I've done a lot in that arena. The real trick is not repeating those same mistakes!