I was watching the movie Mr. & Mrs. Smith and Brad Pitt's character said something interesting when they got to the nitty gritty of fighting and wanting a divorce. He said "I guess in the end, you start thinking about the beginning".
Interesting.
That hit a chord. Made me think. Its been over for more than a year and a half (if you count from when Jeremy left in September of 2005), but I think, looking back, it was over long before that.
And that got me thinking to when we met. And the warning signs that I should have seen. But, as the cliché goes, hindsight is 20/20.
When we first met, Jeremy was charming. Funny. All the things a girl could be initially attracted to. We got along really well. But then, very shortly after we started dating, his short temper started rearing its ugly head.
One of the first incidents that really sticks out in my mind was one afternoon when his roommate caused a misunderstanding between us. His roommate told me that Jeremy was upset with me....but I had no idea why and neither did he. I tried to diffuse the situation by communicating and being straight-forward with Jeremy. I came right out and asked what was wrong only to be told nothing. When I pressed again (and again), he snapped and finally refused to speak to me. We were at the Magic Kingdom with his roommate and he just left me alone. Walked off alone. With his roommate behind him. What I should have done is nipped the relationship in the bud and went my own way - both that day and forever. But I didn't. I stuck around and tried to see if he'd come around. He didn't - not right away. I can't remember how it ended - but I'm sure he called me and told me it was all a misunderstanding and that everything was ok now. And I guess that made it all better. Like that entire afternoon wasn't ruined. WHAT?
Looking back, I wish I'd have just said goodbye and meant it. I wish I would've been strong enough to call him for what he was - an immature bastard - and ended things. Or, at the very least, I wish I'd had it out with him right then and there and told him he was being an idiot and I wish I'd have forced him to give me an explanation for his abusive actions.
But I didn't. He gave me attention that I wanted and made me feel like he wanted to be around me. I was lonely and I guess he filled that loneliness. Only it turns out it wasn't the way I should have had it filled.
Instead, it was just the first in MANY abusive events yet to come in the following years. And I've learned that saying I wish and wishing I could go back and change things (or even saying if I knew I'd have done it differently) is about as helpful as chewing gum to solve an algebra problem. It doesn't help. So I need to come to grips with my bad choices in life and I think I've done a lot in that arena. The real trick is not repeating those same mistakes!
March 25, 2008
March 24, 2008
Doubt
We had a family emergency tonight, and my new boyfriend was wonderful. He thought nothing other than to come right over after work and sit with my father and me for hours until my brother came home from the ER. He didn't complain. Didn't fuss. Just was supportive, kept us company, and cheered me up.
And through it all, in the back of my head, far back in those places where the cobwebs collect, all I kept thinking was how this must've ruined his evening and whatever plans he might've had. I kept worrying that he was secretly wishing he was home - or out - or wherever it was he was originally going to go this evening.
Why?
Because of the hell that Jeremy put me through for so long.
Jeremy's SOP (standard of procedure) was to go to my family events and smile and get along. And then at home, away from what they could hear, if he got mad at me, he would tell me how he wasted his time there and how he could've been doing something else - something better. How he didn't like my family and how he was tired of doing things with them. Over the years, I began to think in the back of my head that he was really miserable while we were doing stuff with my family. And then, it got to the point where he would just let me go alone. Even if it was a planned event, he would be selfish and stay home. All because he didn't feel like it. Or because we got into a fight - one that often didn't even make sense.
The night before my 30th birthday, Luna was in the window looking outside (we lived in a pet-free apartment and had to sneak her in, so she wasn't supposed to be in the window where she could be seen). She ended up scratching the $10 curtains we had from Ikea (which I didn't encourage, but it wasn't "the end of the world"). Jeremy got upset with her - again - and picked her up and threw her into our bedroom. You read right - threw her. She bounced on the bed and off the other side. I went over, upset, and picked her up to comfort her. He slammed the door and told me to stay in there with her, said he was going to sleep on the sofa and refused to speak with me any more. That devastated me - it was the night before my birthday...
Well, on my birthday itself, he ignored me (another of his SOPs) and when we got to work, he sent me a slew of emails saying horrible things (including he wanted a divorce, and that he was sick of me, and horrible things like that). That, in addition to other work-related stresses, led me to breakdown at work. It was a low point for me.
That night, the plan was to have dinner with my family - including Jeremy. However, he was still ignoring me. He refused to speak to me no matter what. So I went to dinner alone with my parents. My brother met us there, and I had to rehash the story of what happened to him after having gone through it with my parents.
Happy 30th birthday to me.
I moved out for a few days after that...I couldn't take it anymore. When we finally did try to "work it out", he was reluctant and very abusive in how he referred to Luna and me... And he didn't care what my family thought of him for bailing on my birthday. I made him mad by coddling Luna when she was misbehaving and that was it according to him. She was a kitten - less than a year old! What could anyone expect?
Point of that story is, that over the years, Jeremy did things to add to my self-doubt. He constantly made me feel like us spending time with my family was wrong. And since he's been gone, I've started to heal and move on, but there are times when, like tonight, things happen that cause us to alter our plans and the doubt creeps back in.
My boyfriend wasn't planning on coming over tonight. We didn't have plans to see each other, but those plans changed. And while I love him very much and know he loves me, I didn't expect him to come over. But he did. No questions asked. He had no doubt that he was coming over. He knows how important family is - and you can't know how much it meant to me that he was here with me. But my bastard ex - Jeremy - left me with lingering doubts and that didn't let me fully enjoy the comfort I should have gotten from knowing that my new boyfriend was there for me and always will be. No questions asked. Simply because he loves me.
So now my goal is to figure out how to move on and loose the doubt and simply enjoy what I have now. But it seems to me like its a process of healing that I have to go through.... I've scabbed over, but I really think the scars will always be there. I just have to figure out how to minimize what pain and doubt is left, because I can't stay like this for forever.
And through it all, in the back of my head, far back in those places where the cobwebs collect, all I kept thinking was how this must've ruined his evening and whatever plans he might've had. I kept worrying that he was secretly wishing he was home - or out - or wherever it was he was originally going to go this evening.
Why?
Because of the hell that Jeremy put me through for so long.
Jeremy's SOP (standard of procedure) was to go to my family events and smile and get along. And then at home, away from what they could hear, if he got mad at me, he would tell me how he wasted his time there and how he could've been doing something else - something better. How he didn't like my family and how he was tired of doing things with them. Over the years, I began to think in the back of my head that he was really miserable while we were doing stuff with my family. And then, it got to the point where he would just let me go alone. Even if it was a planned event, he would be selfish and stay home. All because he didn't feel like it. Or because we got into a fight - one that often didn't even make sense.
The night before my 30th birthday, Luna was in the window looking outside (we lived in a pet-free apartment and had to sneak her in, so she wasn't supposed to be in the window where she could be seen). She ended up scratching the $10 curtains we had from Ikea (which I didn't encourage, but it wasn't "the end of the world"). Jeremy got upset with her - again - and picked her up and threw her into our bedroom. You read right - threw her. She bounced on the bed and off the other side. I went over, upset, and picked her up to comfort her. He slammed the door and told me to stay in there with her, said he was going to sleep on the sofa and refused to speak with me any more. That devastated me - it was the night before my birthday...
Well, on my birthday itself, he ignored me (another of his SOPs) and when we got to work, he sent me a slew of emails saying horrible things (including he wanted a divorce, and that he was sick of me, and horrible things like that). That, in addition to other work-related stresses, led me to breakdown at work. It was a low point for me.
That night, the plan was to have dinner with my family - including Jeremy. However, he was still ignoring me. He refused to speak to me no matter what. So I went to dinner alone with my parents. My brother met us there, and I had to rehash the story of what happened to him after having gone through it with my parents.
Happy 30th birthday to me.
I moved out for a few days after that...I couldn't take it anymore. When we finally did try to "work it out", he was reluctant and very abusive in how he referred to Luna and me... And he didn't care what my family thought of him for bailing on my birthday. I made him mad by coddling Luna when she was misbehaving and that was it according to him. She was a kitten - less than a year old! What could anyone expect?
Point of that story is, that over the years, Jeremy did things to add to my self-doubt. He constantly made me feel like us spending time with my family was wrong. And since he's been gone, I've started to heal and move on, but there are times when, like tonight, things happen that cause us to alter our plans and the doubt creeps back in.
My boyfriend wasn't planning on coming over tonight. We didn't have plans to see each other, but those plans changed. And while I love him very much and know he loves me, I didn't expect him to come over. But he did. No questions asked. He had no doubt that he was coming over. He knows how important family is - and you can't know how much it meant to me that he was here with me. But my bastard ex - Jeremy - left me with lingering doubts and that didn't let me fully enjoy the comfort I should have gotten from knowing that my new boyfriend was there for me and always will be. No questions asked. Simply because he loves me.
So now my goal is to figure out how to move on and loose the doubt and simply enjoy what I have now. But it seems to me like its a process of healing that I have to go through.... I've scabbed over, but I really think the scars will always be there. I just have to figure out how to minimize what pain and doubt is left, because I can't stay like this for forever.
March 19, 2008
Hello
My name is Claudia and I was emotionally abused.
Jeremy is my ex-husband and my abuser.
We met in 1998 and instantly hit it off. We had a great time together and really got along well...or so I thought. In hind-sight (which we all know is 20/20) we really didn't, but at the time...well, you know.
We lived together until we married in 2003, and in 2006, after many problems, a stint with a marriage counselor, and his cheating on me (twice), we split up. He moved back to Syracuse and I stayed in NJ. The divorce was finalized on May 2, 2007.
My cat is Luna - she was a gift from him. But as time went on (and I'll end up writing about that), he abused her just as he abused me. As part of our divorce settlement, she became mine - 100%. Safe forever from the abuse.
This blog is my attempt at regaining my life and exorcising the demons that he left me with. Every day I am bombarded with the memories of the horrors he put me through - and Luna too, in an attempt to "get to me". The names, the insults, the curses, the jokes at my expense, and even the physical abuse that happened once or twice.
I've read that rather than suppressing my memories in order to cope, I should write about them. I'll write about them here. When one floods over me, I'll write about it here. If no one reads it, at least it'll be therapy for me. If someone does find this blog, I hope that if they're suffering like I did - and still do from the memories - that they'll find solace in knowing they're not alone.
I'm in a wonderful relationship now with a wonderful man, but its been a long road to get here. And I know I have a long road ahead of me... With the patience and support of my new love, I've come a long way. But I know I have farther to go. And I hope here I'll be able to get to where I want to be.
Jeremy is my ex-husband and my abuser.
We met in 1998 and instantly hit it off. We had a great time together and really got along well...or so I thought. In hind-sight (which we all know is 20/20) we really didn't, but at the time...well, you know.
We lived together until we married in 2003, and in 2006, after many problems, a stint with a marriage counselor, and his cheating on me (twice), we split up. He moved back to Syracuse and I stayed in NJ. The divorce was finalized on May 2, 2007.
My cat is Luna - she was a gift from him. But as time went on (and I'll end up writing about that), he abused her just as he abused me. As part of our divorce settlement, she became mine - 100%. Safe forever from the abuse.
This blog is my attempt at regaining my life and exorcising the demons that he left me with. Every day I am bombarded with the memories of the horrors he put me through - and Luna too, in an attempt to "get to me". The names, the insults, the curses, the jokes at my expense, and even the physical abuse that happened once or twice.
I've read that rather than suppressing my memories in order to cope, I should write about them. I'll write about them here. When one floods over me, I'll write about it here. If no one reads it, at least it'll be therapy for me. If someone does find this blog, I hope that if they're suffering like I did - and still do from the memories - that they'll find solace in knowing they're not alone.
I'm in a wonderful relationship now with a wonderful man, but its been a long road to get here. And I know I have a long road ahead of me... With the patience and support of my new love, I've come a long way. But I know I have farther to go. And I hope here I'll be able to get to where I want to be.